Dracula vs Frankenstein

1971
Dir. Al Adamson

Long before there was Freddy vs Jason, and Alien vs Predator, there was the incomprehensible yet utterly sublime Dracula vs Frankenstein. Beginning its celluloid life as a follow up to schlock filmmaker Al Adamson’s Satan’s Sadists, Dracula vs Frankenstein was intended to be a biker movie. Somewhere along the way though, Dracula and Frankenstein’s Monster were added to the  mix. This film has it all: astounding dialogue, terrible acting, cheap and cheerful special effects. Best worst movie ever? Read on...

The basic story follows Judith Fontaine (Regina Carrol) as she searches for her missing sister, who, unbeknownst to her, has been abducted by the evil Dr Frankenstein. He's been abducting women for his devilish experiments in his secret lab in an amusement park on a grotty pier. It's never clear what his experiments are or why he needs women. He rambles on about ‘life-giving serums’, the ‘illusion of reality' and how one of the women has 'survived decapitation and is producing enough vital fluids for us.' When Dracula shows up, he announces he needs Dr Frankenstein to resurrect the Monster and scare people so he can drink their fear. Dracula sports a goatee, a swishing cape, and his voice has an unnecessary echoing reverb over it. When the resurrected Monster finally appears (it takes a while, probably due to the huge bulk of papier-mâché-looking stuff on the actor’s head) he looks like what might happen if you boil-wash a big Care Bear.

While having zero budget is one thing (this film is so low budget, it’s practically Dogme), mind-blowingly daft dialogue and shoddy plotting and editing is another. As mentioned, the film was initially intended to be a biker movie before Adamson decided to drop monsters into the mix. The majority of the screenplay therefore still focuses on younger characters not even remotely connected to the Judith searching for her sister plot. The youngsters mostly party, hang out at the amusement park and try to avoid a motley crew of bad-ass bikers (one of whom is Russ Tamblyn - Dr Jacoby from Twin Peaks). There is also stock footage of random protests. The title tantalises us with the showdown of the millennium, but there are only a handful of scenes featuring the gruesome twosome randomly slotted into the film. Meanwhile, Judith's search for her sister is interrupted when her drink is spiked at a local bar. Her psychedelic hallucinations include beach frolicking and writhing around on a giant spider web. She is rescued by a couple of sympathetic patrons who take her to Mike, who agrees to help her. Cue a lengthy montage of Judith and Mike strolling along the beach hand in hand, seagulls gracefully circling overhead and surf gently crashing on the shore (just like the culmination of their burgeoning love for each other, I guess). Further along the beach, couples canoodling by the pier are menaced by Lon Chaney Jnr, who may or may not be some sort of zombie. Like Bela Lugosi, Chaney Jnr's career ended in low-budget exploitation titles like this one. It's sad to see him and his performance is lent a degree of pathos as this was to be his last film – sadly he died a couple of years later. 

So far, so where-the-hell-are-Dracula-and-Frankenstein? Before we get to the tussle, there are laser beams, plasma lamps, and babble about mystical comets to endure. If your idea of a clash between two of cinema’s most chilling, iconic and terrifying monsters, is watching two actors in terrible make-up limply shove each other a bit – then you won’t be disappointed. Gasp in awe as Dracula lamely jostles the Monster! Cover your eyes in shock when the Monster feebly prods Count Dracula! And just like that, it's all over. 

Ensure your glass is fully topped up for this one!

Some of my favourite lines:

'If you've got a fireplace, burn some wood in it. It'll be a lot better than running loose on the streets.’

‘Relax Doctor. I will give you orders and you will follow them.’

‘When a man comes into my house and casts no reflection and wears the ring of Dracula, there is no scientific answer for anything. Now what is on your mind?’

‘I am the Count of Darkness, the Lord of the Manor of Carpathia. Turn here.’ 

‘True. All illusions look real or they wouldn't be illusions, would they?’ 

‘It seems living near the water brings out the best and the worst in us.’

‘Mike, do you really believe what you just said?’
‘I believe the doctor is a collector of humans.’
‘That’s horrible.’

‘Its hard to believe there’s so much trouble in the world sitting here listening to the ocean and with someone so nice.’